relationships
changes
i know a lot of you know me really well (maybe too well), but i am going to write my first ever personal post so that i can clear my mind and give some insight into where i’m at right now.
i just got out of a 10 month on-and-off relationship. i think for the entirety of the 10 months i wasn’t sure whether i wanted to be in it or not, and i could think of a thousand reasons not to be, and one reason to be… and that one reason was good enough for me.
i guess ultimately things didn’t work out because we were incompatable. completely. and that’s the bottom line. i’m not really bitter and i think i should have seen it coming when i was apprehensive about how different we were from the beginning. don’t get me wrong, i wholeheartedly love him, and i always will. i think he’s got an amazing soul and great intentions that he just doesn’t know how express while not losing his identity (my opinion of course). i don’t think anything bad about him and i’d still beat some ass for his sake if necessary - and i’d stand by his side. i have his back. sometimes things just don’t work out. yes i’m hurt, but no, i don’t think that we could have been together unless a lot of things about both of us changed. and let’s face it, you can’t “love” someone if you’re not willing to love the good and the bad and take them for what they are (heart, soul, mind, and intentions).
we didn’t see eye-to-eye on anything at all, and i don’t think that’s good for a relationship. we also had different opinions on how a relationship should operate. i am at a point in my life where i believe that if a relationship is to have a firm foundation, the word “we” must supercede the word “me,” and that the relationship is a mutual partnership. i want to give AND i want to receive, because what’s the point of trying to make someone feel like the King of the World when he has no desire to make you feel like his Queen? if not, i may as well be pouring all of my emotion into raising a pet, because at least then every effort isnt in vain, at least they’ll put their head on your knee once in a while to show their appreciation.
we never went out. dates don’t matter honestly. all that matters in my book is experiences. i couldn’t tell you what my dates with past boyfriends were like, but i can tell you about jokes and good times and laughter. none of that will ever happen if the scenery never changes and there are no experiences at all. i can’t grow in a relationship or live life to the fullest if i can never take advantage of the opportunities that life throws at me… plus, that’s how you get to know someone. i don’t think my exboyfriend really knew me for anyone but the “me” that was pent up, and that’s unfortunate, because i think he would have really loved me more if he really got to experience things with me. maybe that is one of my biggest regrets in that relationship. not only did i want to give him the world (emotionally, supportively, as a friend, etc.) but i wanted to show it to him too, and experience the rest of it with him. i wish that would have happened.
for a while, i thought that asking for my needs to be met was asking too much, but today i have come to the realization that it isn’t too much, and it should never be. i have always claimed to not need a whole lot, and materialistically i don’t. however, i am now a firm believer that a partner needs to be emotionally generous, not materialistically generous. i’m not talking about love letters and songs and flowers. i’m talking about attention and affection. i want to feel wanted and i want to feel important. hold my hand once in a while. take me out and have fun with me (even if it’s going outside and throwing a football to me for 20 min). i want to feel unconditionally supported. i will never date another man where asking for those things is asking for too much.
some guys have given me TOO much, to the point of making me uncomfortable. they were great guys and probably deserved more from me, but i pushed them away because i don’t want all of that. and then there have been guys who didn’t even come close to giving me what i needed or expected from them, leading to lots of disappointment and therefore probably more attitude than they deserved. either way, too much or too little isn’t good, and i apologize to you guys that have been on either side and seen me run away or be unhappy/frustrated with you. but like my mom said, “when the right guy comes along, he’ll know how to give you exactly what you need and you’ll never have to say a word. he’ll keep enough distance so that you run to him and always keep trying to make him happier, and he’ll give you enough of a pick-me-up that you’ll never want to give him up.” mom is always right it seems.
i am pretty grateful to my ex in a lot of ways because he showed me where i had room to grow and improve. albeit, i didn’t like his delivery method of “constructive” criticism, but even though he wants to be out of my life, he will have a profound positive impact on how i grow. i never truly thought about this or believed it before, but personal growth is a lifelong mission. i’m now convinced that if you are truly 100% happy with who you are as a person and are unwilling to try to work on your shortcomings, you have a very inaccurate self-perception. i hope that even on the day i die, i’m still trying to work at being a better person. it’s exactly like being a Christian - a lifelong journey, which is another GOOD change that i’ve made. i’m growing with that too, and all it took was the first step down the path that i wanted to be on.
these are some of my qualities that are distinctly me that i’d like to change:
i’m long winded (obviously), maybe i should cut to the point. however, i’m long-winded because i like to understand, so i figure everyone else does too. i’m very sensitive and emotional, but i counteract that with a fairly good sense of what is realistic and what is not. but if i feel something is unreasonable then i get extremely thrown off and probably overreact to it a bit. and that leads me right back into being long winded… i’ll talk about it til i understand why i’m so worked up and why it is (or isn’t) a big deal. i show all my cards all the time. i need to take my heart off of my sleeve and have some self control, especially control of my emotions.
these are things that will not change over night, because mainly they define who i am. but the control of these things will make me stronger and will also help me stress out less and like myself better. that’s what matters.
bottom line is that we all have our faults. things don’t work out how we want them to. things fall apart. passion dies. constants disappear. we get hurt. we pick up. we learn. we move on.
i am learning who i am. i’m changing what i can. and i think for as many regrets as i have and as much as i wish things could have worked out with my ex, i think the most valuable thing is that all that can happen now is that i become better than i was.
as for what i want in a man… my uncle phil said that i needed to write it all down. i have a list started. it was started before i even met my ex. and now i have a few more things to add to it. surprisingly, nothing on that list is far-fetched, and i’ve seen all of them exist in other relationships between 2 very happy people. if i keep sticking to my guns, that’ll be me and the man of my dreams someday. And a big thanks to me following @RevRunWisdom on twitter so that i can find a few more to add that i didn’t think of (i hope that made some of you laugh).