breeding
how to optimally breed
is reproduction one of those parts of life that people over analyze before they consider doing it? i certainly do, and i have come up with a variety of reasons to reproduce and a plethora of reasons not to. in all reality, it’s actually a very important thing to think about beyond the “next step in life” rationale or the “happy family” aspirations. i think this subject started in the highlands sometime in early 2006 with the (first) male version of myself while “talent scouting” around the bar.
one of the most important introspective activities you can do is a thorough self-analysis to determine your greatest weaknesses. i do this on a daily, possibly hourly basis. i am my own biggest critic - but i figure i should stick with what i’m good at. regardless, i have always considered the reality that some man may never become absent-minded enough to think that he wants to deal with my crap for the rest of his existence, and if i ever want to reproduce, i’m going to have to find a volunteer. yes, when i’m 40, unmarried, well-established, and have no signs of getting married any time soon, i will be heavily recruiting someone to make daily visits to my dwelling for a week solely for the intention of conception with no resulting responsibilities. tough gig, huh. who will i recruit though? not just anyone! it’ll be easier to get into MIT with a 2.9 high school GPA and a 950 on your SAT than it will be to get into, well, me.
the true reason that introspection and being realistic about your flaws is important is that you may possibly be able to find someone who can offset these inadequacies. quick example: my height. quick solution: tall guy. there are plenty more examples, but i’m not in the mood to sit here and completely tear myself apart.
look around the next time you are in a densely populated establishment. think about the average intelligence, athleticism, attractiveness, personality, mental stability, and attitude of that crowd. then mentally vaporize those whom you would not want your offspring to resemble in any, shape, or form. if you’re me, that means you are suddenly standing alone in a large room. for example, the hot, shaggy haired, thin, muscular surfer looking guy who grabbed your eye may very well be an unmotivated druggie with a horrible family medical history who is bipolar and kind of a wuss. sure, nice to look at… but not so great to always deal with. how about the really smart, successful guy in the corner who is only 5′6″ and has a huge beer gut? nope, just doesn’t make the cut for me. before you jump on me for being a judgmental and pretentious bitch, please reevaluate the overall situation. i’m not looking for a husband. i’m looking for someone to help make the best possible mini-me. all otherwise desirable personality/quality traits in a man get tossed out the window because the purpose of the evaluation is entirely different.
when i realized that the perfect man does not exist, and if he does, he is likely gay, i made a cut down to three men that i would ideally like to reproduce with.
before i discuss the reasoning, i would like to show you who i would select if i could have my pick of any man (men) on earth. numero uno: luca toni. he’s an italian soccer player that i have found completely dreamy since the world cup in 2006. i would very much like to score some goals with him some time.
Luca Toni - Italian Soccer Player
numero dos: adrian grenier. he’s in entourage and a handfull of movies. i don’t remember when i saw him for the first time, but i can at least say that i had one of the most nauseatingly romantic evenings of my life with a 27 year old doctor who looked just like him. (he was my neighbor’s best friend growing up, turns out i met him and hung out with him when i was 13, but it was an even better rendezvous at my neighbor’s wedding and subsequent 6 hours of laying on a dock on a lake watching a meteor shower). alright, i’m making myself sick, and a little jealous of myself back when i was cool.
Adrian Grenier - from Entourage
if you notice, these two men are italian-looking (obviously). dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin, right-hand gesticulations. they are both tall (relative term to my towering 5′2″ stature) and thin but muscular. trend? i should say so!
however, realistically, if i could have 3 children with 3 different men and not be disowned by my family, here they are. they are men who have desirable traits, and traits that would compliment or enhance features that i already possess:
1. jon stewart. why? my kid would make me laugh daily. i couldn’t guarantee that they would be funny, but i could have a pretty high likelihood of having a smart and witty child. i think maybe what is more important is the intelligence and charisma factor. i do believe that these are partially genetic but mostly based on upbringing, but knowing that little one’s y-chromosome donor was jon stewart would definitely make me attempt to develop that personality to its maximum potential.
2. michael phelps. no, i am not attracted to michael phelps. in fact, every time i think of him i think of that at&t commercial with the phelps phan.
however, i wouldn’t mind having an extremely athletically talented kid. the only real drawback to the phelps chromosome is that i believe he’s adhd, but maybe that’s the magic behind the 0.01 second comebacks.
3. mike rowe. not only am i incredible attracted to him, his narrative voice, and enthusiasm for dirty jobs, but i am also completely turned on by his ambition, creativity, intelligence, and eloquence. i have recently realized that i tend to be attracted to men who are not only verbose (men of few words stress me out to be honest), but who speak (or write) intelligently and creatively. mike rowe is not only a stud who heartlessly castrates horses, but he’s also extremely brilliant on so many levels. offspring 3 would have a great personality, be a little rough around the edges, and have some killer abs. he even used to be an opera singer. hello, talent! i believe mike rowe is definitely a fabulous choice.
at the moment, this is the end of this thought process as i have become distracted by the bosox/angels game. which, by the way, feels like i’m watching a braves game. hi tex! hi kotsay! it’s in the bottom of the 5th right now in game two, and since i am now publicly declaring (other than on JB’s website) that i am cheering for the angels, i am a little disgruntled with the score.
i just realized that my blog post is now more than 1000 words, so i’m quitting. thanks for reading, if you made it this far. i’m surprised that i did.